Game for Life by Dr. David Hepburn

Got lost once in Boys ‘R Pus toystore. Wandered about until I found myself in the board games section and it occurred to me how much the game names resembled my medical practice. CLUE as in you don’t seem to have one, therefore I am going to smack you with this candlestick holder until you quit inserting the birth control pill and take it by mouth. (Yup, this actually happened.)

RISK (aka “We Used to be Friends”) was a favorite of my sons and I back in the days when we were speaking. Health risk assessments are With the help of Framingham or apps calculating Your 10 year risk of a heart attack or stroke can now be calculated by your doctor along with your risk of being stranded in Kamchatka.

MONOPOLY. This game often begins with “Doctor I know you’re extremely busy and I promise I won’t be long but…” whereupon “the list” is pulled out while the wailing room continues to pile up, overflowing into the neighborhood pub where specialists practice. “Oh and since you’re here can you see George too, his prostate has a rattle and….”

Monolopy game- Dr. David Hepburn
Monolopy game- Dr. David Hepburn

CRANIUM. As in those who should go to the store and purchase this gift because they are obviously in need of one. “Give your cranium a shake Bloggings. What were you thinking when you saw the skull and crossbones on that cigarette package and decided it must be something you ingest deeply into your lungs.”

HUNGRY HIPPOS leads to hurtin’ hips, hefty hams and heart hell.

BACKGAMMON. “OK Bloggins, time for that prostate check.” De test men detest is fast

TRIVIAL PURSUIT. Doc I was reading on the internet about the symptoms of the rare Eastern Moldavian Portobello ovarian cysts and I think I might have them.” “Well, frankly Burt I’d be more concerned about your prostate. Lets play Backgammon.”

PICTIONARY. “Let me draw it for you Bloggins. The pizza goes into this here gastric area and then little boats like these transport cholesterol and other fats directly to your buttocks which now looks like this, ohh… I need a blackboard.”

DARTS. Not really a board game but seeing it reminded me of my mother suggesting a game of darts if I played goalie.

HEADBANDS. “My headache is like a band squeezing around my head,” means you have a muscle contraction headache from stress, neck strain or playing goalie at the family dart tournament.

BATTLESHIPS: “No doctor, I’m not taking that medicine and that’s that.” “But your blood pressure is 190 and you’ll stroke if you…” “My mother never took any medication and she was dancing the can can at 93 and..whoa… I can’t…move my arm.” “Whoops, I think you sunk your ship.”

OPERATION: whereby improperly extracting an organ makes the board buzz and the game goes dead. In my OR improperly extracting an organ makes the lawyers buzz and the game goes dead.

TWISTER: “It started out as an innocent game doc but now I have these, well… lesions.” Scrumpox (seen in rugby players) is one of several transmissible skin on skin diseases contracted when men rub their upper cheeks against the lower cheeks of other men.

Twister - Dr David Hepburn
Twister – Dr David Hepburn

DOMINOES: Pizza paunch leads to metabolic syndrome. Once one thing hits the tipping point the cascade begins and the rest fall soon after. Starts with abdominal fat, then sugars, then blood pressure, then cholesterol… then you.

BALLOON LAGOON: Plastic Surgery reminds you to take care of your sweaters.

SNAKES AND BLADDERS: Urology reminds you to take care of your wetters.

CHECKERS: This in fact is what we as doctors do all freakin’ day. “Doc I think my hornswaggles are affecting my crockinoles. Could you check ‘er out?”

CHINESE CHECKERS: Hen gao xing ren shi ni hornswaggles.

Sorry Sir but you’re going to have leave the store now. And could you please close up all those ….boxes.