Dr. David Hepburn:
As a lion, if you’ve decided to name yourself King of the Beasts you had better back it up with a little action. Roaring is cheap. It’s usually a rather short-lived glory for the lion king as there are others constantly wanting his job. And who wouldn’t! Successful applicants will:
- Sleep 20 hours a day
- Be served fresh wildebeest by a coterie of naked lionesses
- Copulate 70 times a day for five days
- Participate in an occasional fight to the death
Wait! Go back to c. for a second.
Yup. Seen it with my own eyes. On safari, we happened upon a beastly king, busily engaged in c. who happened upon his Mrs three times in less than an hour, not that any of these times involved a lot of champagne or petunias. Was more of a Wham Bam thank you ma’am, roar, nip on nape, roll over, nap, repeat. Feeling a little like peeping panthers, we left, but returned the next morning to find the same couple. This time, however, she was sitting with a bit of a snarl on her face waiting for more King of the Beast action but he was completely laid out flat! Am sure I could hear him muttering something like “You have got to be kidding me woman. Why don’t we just smoke a few jackals and call it a day.” I may have lost something in the translation.
“Oh doc, there’s just ..umm..one more thing…”
“You have ED, right Bloggins?”
“Well no, but… well… yes. I ain’t exactly King of the Beasts around the back 40 these days.
“No lyin’ there king. Your sugars, cholesterol and blood pressure are sky high which is why the rest of you is rather low and slow. ”
–Erectile dysfunction (ED) affects 40% of men over age 40 and 65% over age 65. Extrapolating, should you make it to 100, you apparently aren’t going to make it.
-Over half of men with diabetes have erectile dysfunction. I have actually seen women in tears, having discovered that the fella they were dating was just too sweet.
-Men who smoke more than one pack per day have a 50% higher chance of impotency than nonsmokers the same age, unless apparently you are 100. So if you’re smokin’… you ain’t really smokin’.
-Got blood pressure issues? Chances are you have other pressure issues too. In fact, having erectile dysfunction is so intimately involved with the overall state of the lining of your blood vessels that ED is now considered a potential marker for cardiovascular disease. And to make matter worse one of the drugs that can cause ED is a common blood pressure pill.
-Most men under 40 years of age can achieve an erection in 10 seconds, while most men over 40 years of age can find an excuse in 10 seconds.
-Men in their 40’s with ED have a higher risk of having a stroke or heart attack in the future. Toss a little depression on top (and what man in his 40’s wouldn’t be a little depressed if the rooster don’t crow, the lion don’t roar, the hedgehog….) and the risk is even higher.
ED is a problem on the rise, as now every seven seconds a brand new baby boomer turns 50, hence the recent run on lawn flamingoes. With the plethora of treatment options, no longer are men afraid to bring it, er, up, in the doctor’s office. (This is getting increasingly… harder to write about without you perverts and Mrs. Horsblaggin reading unintentional double entendres into this.) Viagra,Cialis and Levitra are the number one option for treating ED. For those who cannot tolerate these pills, don’t give up hope as there are pumps and even injections that are quite successful, though to some men the thought of a needle in the nether regions could well cause their testicles to disappear forever.
So don’t ignore ED because remarkably, almost a third of all women over 80 years of age still have sex.
It’s the truth, trust me I’m a doctor… not lion.